Its been a busy couple of weeks in between posts.
The honda is all packed up and this time tomorrow Mimi and I will be somewhere closer to the US border, starting out on the 28 day adventure and making our way over to Vancouver. As much as I love being here in the Maritimes and will miss my in-laws pretty immensely, there is something so profoundly exciting about moving to a new place where everyone I come in contact with will know me as Carver.
I’ve been away at Deaf camp this week. It’s a highlight of my year; going deep into the woods with 30+ kids both signing and non-signing, spending 5 plus full days swimming, doing arts and crafts, learning survival skills (I didn’t know you could eat moss) and sitting around a camp fire does something to the soul. It was a little different for me this year as last year I was just getting comfortable in my transition. I think this time last year I was still introducing myself as Tara but quickly following it with a “but you can call me Tee” and since it was camp it was just as easy to get the kids to call me T-Rex. Using the single stalled kitchen staff bathroom but still using the girls/women’s shower area. Being uncomfortable but with enough people that knew the journey I was slowly ramping up that it didn’t really bother me.
This year new campers / counselors met me as Carver. The returning campers / counselors practiced calling me Carver (but everyone knows they can still call me T-Rex because seriously who is giving up that nick name?…not this guy!) Lots of questions about “are you a boy or a girl?” and getting up early enough to use the boys/Men’s shower area because that’s where I belong but not wanting to deal with any side glances.
It didn’t feel uncomfortable to respond with “I’m a boy” or to the “before you were a girl?” (Yes) “and now you are a boy?” (That’s right) line of questioning…It didn’t feel awkward when an itty bitty said “you sound like a girl” and responding with “lots of boys sound like girls and lots of girls sound like boys but really a person’s voice doesn’t make them a boy or a girl, it’s what inside that decides“
I’ve been more adamant these last couple of weeks about not letting someone “ma’am” / “lady” / “she” me. Mimi has become the champion of responding to the “what can I get for you ladies?” with a resounding “That’s my husband“. Funny too I’ve noticed that when that interaction has happened I’m still trying to soften the blow of being called out with a “it’s okay, it happens all the time” which I realize means I’m still trying to take the blame for not being “masculine” enough to pass, instead of letting someone else sit with the uncomfortable feelings of their mistake.
It’s been two months since I started T. I’ve been sick this last week with a cold so the extra drop in my voice has been an added bonus. Mimi and others have said they can see physical changes in my face which I can’t see looking in the mirror but can sort of see when looking at comparison pictures.
My Halifax doctor has nearly doubled my T from .25/ml to .40/ml every two weeks until I reach Vancouver. I’m now at a dose that I can go every week if I choose though I feel like the extra boost keeps my emotions in check a little better. When I get settled in with a new physician and another higher dose I’ll probably go weekly.
I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am to be in a city where hopefully everything happens a little faster, I get closer to having top surgery and life for Mimi and I just fall into place in Vancouver.
This next part of my post is a little TMI so if you’re not interested in the physical changes in my pants then this is probably where you want to hop off this ride and come back at another time…
So there is definitely a change in my “girl” parts becoming not so girl part-like anymore. It’s not much and since I don’t spend a lot of time looking down there (ya know dysphoria and shit) it was a little bit of a shocker to see just how much I’ve grown in just the two months on T. I knew it would happen. I’ve been in relationships with other trans people so it wasn’t that much of a surprise to see the changes happening just how quickly it has started. Also my libido in general is changing…I know I’m looking at Mimi differently and the urges to “get it on” are more frequent.
A little side story….I’m not a very sexual person. I find Mimi very attractive but have a hard time acting upon any urges. Throw a little Asperger in the mix and you’ve got the makings of a person who would rather rub feet that bump uglies. We’ve worked really hard in maintaining a loving marriage with other kinds of affection rather than of the sexual kind. HOWEVER; I am definitely thinking of Mimi in more ways than rubbing feet if you know what I mean.
Not sure how much we’ll be able to blog while on the road but I’m sure we’ll have lots of stories about how our travels went. You can follow along our Halifax —–> Vancouver adventures over at Mimi’s instagram: Redstar5