Funny how you expect things to be when going down a certain path.
Funny how rarely that path is ever how you expect it to be.
We’ve been on the road for a really long fucking time. 28 days. Some 7000+ miles (because really who keeps count after the first 5000). I don’t want anyone to tell me that what I’m about to say is normal (or not normal for that matter). I’m not looking for that arm around the shoulder “hey everything is going to be okay” feel good feeling. This is more about me just letting my fingers hit the keyboard and whatever comes (or goes) being okay.
I don’t really know what I was hoping for when I decided to take testosterone.
I mean I spent the year previous waiting for the province of Nova Scotia to validate what I wanted so I had a lot of time to think. Think. Think.
Which translates to: stalking instagram. Looking at other trans* people IG and making a sort of check list of what I wanted when I was going to be given the go ahead. You’ve heard me state things like no facial hair, deeper voice, more squared in the face, no on the male pattern baldness possibility and so on and so forth.
My first month on T was business as usual. I felt that first voice drop (or at least I think I felt it). Had a little bit more facial hair that I incessantly kept under control (if you see some random dude plucking chin hairs while driving, that’s probably me) and overall just let things be.
My second month was also business as usual. Learning how to advocate for pronoun usage in certain situations because most of the time people knew I was transitioning and when the misgendering did happen I was able to take a quick assessment of whether it was worth my time since getting ready to leave the area so soon. So much time was focused on getting ready for this crazy ass road trip to our new city. It was pretty easy to just let shit roll off my back because when you know you’re not coming back anytime soon and the next time you are back shit’s gonna look a lot different…well you tend to not care as much I suppose.
But that little seed of “you’re not doing enough” to present as a more male figure started creeping in. I KNOW, I KNOW….listen I get that it’s not me having to do the work cause if you stalk my IG the way I stalk other people you know really quickly I present more as a dapper (or #dandy) gentleman than lots of my male counterparts. But those changes in my face aren’t coming fast enough so no matter what I do today to present more male, my feminine face is going to give that shit away.
This third and last month has been the hardest. Being on the road meant a lot of different things. Less control of my food. No button down shirts or neatly pressed slack. No bow ties. No suspenders. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t running around in a tutu (though that might have made the trip more interesting) or running around with a rouge on my face. But every fucking day I was misgendered. Not just once in the morning and hey you can let this one go. But constantly. Pretty much every time I came in contact with someone other than my wife or friends we were meeting on our trip (and of course they get lots of transition time because I can appreciate them trying and I know this is all a process for everyone).
My little seed of “You’re not doing enough” is like a fucking weed that has overgrown my pristine lawn. I’m in the beginning of my 4th month and I still feel the exact same as I did when I took my first shot. Yes. Yes. Yes I know….it takes time. Be patient…BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.
I equate it to the following: I want to lose weight. So everyday I workout and count calories. I step on the scale at day one and write the number down. 100 days later after going from never doing anything to moving and eating in a more healthy direction I step on the scale and that number is exactly the same.
I look at other people’s 3 month mark and I see something.
You might see it and that’s all find and deliciously awesome but I don’t see anything except weight gain and a few more facial hairs than I care to have and now I’m second guessing everything about everything. I never hear of other trans people saying this. Only “I feel like I’m becoming the man on the outside that I am on the inside” or “everything is more clear” or “YES! Facial hair” and I’m like “WTFAMIDOINGANDISTHISTHERIGHTPATH“
I’ve landed in my new city. Life is still pretty fucking chaotic as we are living in a 200 sq ft space for the first few weeks until our 9 month place is available. None of my “hey I’m presenting as male as fucking possible and also did you check out me socks” clothes fit (that’s another blog post) so I’ve had to go out and buy a few sharp button downs and some new slacks so there is that to help build up my confidence again. I’m trying to navigate the Vancouver trans health system and have an appointment on Tuesday (but even the front desk person looked puzzled when I said I needed blood work done to check my T dosage….FFS). I know there is a great trans community here and once we get settled in a little more I’m hoping be in that community a little more.
I think it’s important that we as a community talk about this feeling of “wtfamidoing” feeling. I know it happens more often than we let up. We want the world to think everything about our path is where we want to go until we’re at a place that we don’t really know what we want but can’t admit it. I want other trans people to feel okay about saying fuck yhea this is hard and confusing and kind of awesome some days and kind of “is it okay to shave my legs” confusing other days.
So there you have it.
Five better be better.