When I was blogging about weight loss, it wasn’t uncommon for me to blog on a daily basis. Logging food and exercise. Talking about the emotional ups and downs of trying lose weight. Just putting shit down because so much was happening all the time it was easier to leave it all “Here” rather than carry it around out “There”.
There was countless information out there that I was always trying to gather: new recipes to try out, new tips on weight loss to examine and just looking for a community of people that were doing exactly the same thing I was and either struggling at it or kicking the ever living ass out of it and either way I wanted to know their story.
When I started this blog about transitioning to the more gender congruent identity, I thought it would be the same. I’d blog regularly about the changes happening, I’d talk about the emotional ups and downs and find a shit ton of information out there in the trans* world and find that community of people I was so desperately looking for.
It’s been 11 months since I started this blog and just over 4 months since starting T and there have been a collective eleven posts made. That’s not a whole lot of action if you ask me. Unfortunately the “system” is mostly to blame since there was more than a person should have to endure of the “hurry up and wait” method of giving care.
Also I find myself a person of much fewer words these days according to Mimi. I was never big on talking in the first place (a male trait I was born with possibly, but hard to know when you also factor in Aspergers and a dysfunctional upbringing of “we don’t talk about things”) but it seems I’ve gone from saying very little in person (cause you know I can blather on in a blog post) to saying practically nothing when having any kind of discussion. This isn’t a bad thing as we are both discovering, just something to be aware of when we do attempt any sort of “you and me in this moment right now”
I think another reason I’m not blogging much about the changes is because I’m not as aware of them externally. On more than a few occasions I’ve had people see me after not seeing me for a bit of time and say “whoa, you look ( and/or sound) different”. I’m not going to lie here; I feel like I’m missing something. I mean I hear the audible changes in my voice but that’s about it. Granted my facial hair in the last couple of weeks has started coming in a little faster and are doubling and tripling in number pretty quickly (enough so that I’m shaving at *least* once a week and within 24 hours those whiskers that were just shaved are noticeable) but other than that I’m not taken aback by any changes.
Mimi says I stink more…
Okay that might be one change I have noticed and sometimes I’m having to reapply my deodorant during the day to keep the stink monster at bay.
Oh and I’m snoring more but I’m asleep and don’t notice it (sorry Mimi).
The point here is this shit is slow.
I’m okay with that. Some days I feel like I would like to wake up and not have to worry about whether someone’s going to she/lady me…okay wait a minute, let me rephrase that: Everyday I wake up and worry about it but right now I feel like I can shrug it off more because for whatever reason, they don’t see me the way I see myself and that’s not for me to take on. I’m more brave about correcting people (in fact I did it today to someone giving a lecture in a class when they referred to me as she when talking to a class about working with an interpreter) because for fuck sake I’m standing in front of the class in slacks, a button down, suspenders, some kick ass socks and a pocket square…HELLO!!!!!
Sometimes you get she’d and you can’t figure out why and that’s okay. I don’t need to try harder to make them SEE me. Sometimes I get called buddy with a firm hand shake and that makes me feel like a million bucks because I’m not doing anything different in either of those situations. Some people get it. Some people don’t. I will correct when I feel like (or let my wife do it in that ever so sly way she knows how) and I will let it slide when I feel like it.
In other “what’s happening in Carver’s world” news; I’ve finally sat down with my new family doctor here in Vancouver. I like them. I’ve been fortunate when it comes to putting together a good support system during this transition. Right now I feel like that support of medical professionals is falling into place. This doctor focuses on trans health (and the family members of trans patients) and basically knows the ins and outs of getting whatever resources I might be interested in. We talked about dosage and come to find out what I thought was a low dose to begin with was in fact NOT. While I appreciate the help to get started I got in Halifax, I feel like certain information should have been shared when it wasn’t (just general knowledge stuff). I’ve been thinking this whole time my dosage was lower than most because it was half the amount that most trans* people’s prescription. But what I found out today is that the type of T I’m using is twice as strong in levels than the more commonly prescribed T. So when someone say’s “I’m taking .5cc of T” and I say “Oh I’m only taking .25cc” I’m actually taking the same dosage. What this means is that three weeks ago when I doubled my dosage because there was an assumption that I was taking the most common prescribed T and was now on par with most trans* people on a HRT (hormone replacement therapy) regiman, may actually be too much.
(insert grumbly face here)
My new doctor has said at this point to just continue with the .4 dosage (which is equivalent to a .8 dosage with the other type of T) for a few more weeks until its time for blood work and we can adjust from there. This kind of information is important to tell people when they are starting an HRT regimen. I’ve had more than my fair share of other trans* people comment on how low that dosage was but they were comparing it to their own regimen and I didn’t know any better.
Note to any other trans* people reading this that are starting out…know what kind of T you’re using and why your dosage is the way it is!!!
As a household we’ve started to reign in our food choices as much as possible. Finally settling in to our new place and no long term travel plans in the immediate future means we can get back to creating in the kitchen instead of looking at a menu. I got weighed in today and wouldn’t you know it…205lbs. Whether that’s travel related or T related, it’s a little more than I was anticipating so I need to wrap my brain around that for a bit then make some changes. I’ve downloaded the C25K running program and am ready to get back to running even if it makes me cranky as fuck right now. It’s humbling going from being a marathoner to being out of breath after running for 60 seconds but you have to take that first step, even if it’s a baby step.
Everything has a beginning.