Happy six months to me…

You guys can you believe it’s already six months since I started T?

I know riiiiight?

Time seems to be flying by.

But here we are a little past the six month mark and even though I still feel like the changes are not very noticeable, Mimi and other people are reminding me that there are indeed changes that are happening. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know the changes are happening but in the overall sense they are slow going.

I thought it would be kind of fun to do a “hey this is happening” or a “nope, not yet” check in following the “what to expect” time line that the Trans Health Information Program put up on it’s website (also a little plug that if your trans* identified and you need a good information page, THiP is a good place start). Lots of good information happens over there and while it’s a BC Care provincial page it’s a helpful place to get info for care in your area.

 

The effect will be on the left with notes from THiP on the right then my check in below…

Effect	Notes
Increased sex drive	Usually starts in 1-3 months

For me this is a yes, but because sex in general is a little wonky for me there are still some major bumps in the road. I mean, I’m definitely thinking about it more…which is more than I was doing so we’re calling this a win in my books for now. I’m hung up on the fact that I may think about sex like a man (whatever that means) but when it’s time to get down and dirty I’m still a biologically born female and that feels strange…

Monthly bleeding stops

Usually happens within 2 – 6 months You may still be able to get pregnant even when your monthly bleeding stops (note: it is not safe to take testosterone while pregnant) Reversible change, if you stop taking testosterone

YES!!!!! It just actually happened in month 5 and I couldn’t be more pleased. However, I’m pretty sure I’m still experiencing PMS at about the same time as I would if it were the time of the bleeding.

I know some of this might feel like “Fuck Carver TMI brother…T….M….I” and for that I don’t really feel it necessary to apologize but will say that as uncomfortable as I am talking about it, some of this is really important because we never talk about this stuff. We walk around ashamed and secretive about the changes happening and are too afraid to ask questions because maybe so and so is getting some of the “benefits” before so and so and then it becomes this stage of peacocking over transitions when in the end we’re all just trying to be a better version of ourselves.

The next one may be a TMI for  you so just be prepared to be like “OH FOR FUCKS SAKE…”

Bigger  clitoris*

Usually starts in 3-6 months Reaches full size in 1-2 years Size typically ranges from 1-3cm Likely permanent, even if you stop taking testosterone

I’ll just say yes things are doing what they should be doing and it’s kind of cool.

More facial and body hair

Usually starts in 3-6 months Maximum effect in 3-5 years Gradual growth of mustache and beard More, thicker and coarser hairs on abdomen, arms, chest, back and legs Likely permanent, even if you stop taking testosterone

You can see facial hair if your standing next to me…There is a 5 o’clock stubble by the end of the day. It’s not anything to shake a stick at but I do have to shave now at least once a week because it just looks odd having a face full of stubble that isn’t growing into anything substantial. I still don’t hate it, but I reserve the right to hate if it ever becomes something more than what it is right now.

Oily skin and acne

Usually starts in 1-6 months Maximum effect in 1-2 years More acne. May permanently scar You can take medications to minimize this Not a permanent change if you stop taking testosterone

No acne but man is my skin oily as fuck! It used to be really dry but no more. Also the blackheads…I know it’s gross (again not apologizing) but I never had them before (well not after HS at least) and now they are abundant. I really liked the way my face felt prior to whiskers and oily skin/black heads so I’m having a hard time not feeling like this is bullshit having to go through puberty at 46 (now 47). It does, however, give me an excuse to buy fancy man soap so I’m really only complaining so I can keep buying FMS (fancy man soap).

Deepened voice

Usually starts in 3-12 months Maximum effect in 1-2 years While your voice may deepen, other aspects of the way you speak may not sound ‘manlier.’ You can work with a speech language pathologist to achieve this, if desired. Permanent change

This is by far the most significant change. It’s definitely different and it is definitely deeper. Since it’s only been 6 months I’m assuming it will continue to change but right now I’m very self conscious as it often cracks (especially when I’m laughing or trying to talk loudly) and I’m still getting used to the sound of my own voice. If you’ve ever watched the old Little Rascals television show:

That’s sort of how I think I sound. Some days I’m okay with it. Some days I could go without saying a word because it sounds so different. I still have quite a few “feminine” tendencies when I speak. For example whenever I say “thank you” my voice raises in a (for lack of a better word) subordinate manner. So I’ve been working on a more firm tone as if it were a dad or male teacher saying thank  you. Basically I think our voices inflect according to with whom we are having a conversation. Female to Female / Male to Male / Male to Female / Female to Male we change our pitch to convey a message and for me I’ve got the Male to Female part down (I think), now it’s working on the Male to Male intonations…it’s okay if you’re confused or want to refute this last bit of information but it makes sense to me and right now that’s how I’m trying to understand this voice of mine.

Emotional changes

Your overall emotional state may or may not change; this varies from person to person. You may find that you have access to a narrower range of emotions or feelings. You may find that you become irritable, frustrated or angry more easily. (If you are injecting testosterone every two weeks, your emotional changes may be the result of your fluctuating testosterone level. You may want to talk to your doctor about switching to weekly injections.)

I’m for sure experiencing a “narrower” range of emotions and since I’m also bring aspergers onto this playing field that means the range of emotions was pretty narrow before I started T. During the 5 weeks of a raised T level (remember it was 37 the last time I had it checked), I was way more irritable but didn’t know it until Dr Z lowered the dosage and put me back in a “normal” range (I had my levels checked this week and down to 25nmol/L). I’m feeling much less irritable and a little more patient (though Mimi might say differently).

So there you go…that’s the six month check in.

In other news I did sit down with Dr. Z today to begin the paper work for Top surgery. Because I’m doing stuff in Canada I have to follow the steps laid out by the Province. BC is much faster about moving people along but it will still be another year or so before I take that gurney journey to a flat chest.

Good news is that the paperwork (fingers crossed) will be submitted barring any hiccup waiting for my MSP (medical service plan) number and in a few months I’ll be getting a call for a consultation.

For now I can just buckle in and enjoy the ride at a steady pace.

5 months (and a week)

Hard to believe it’s already been 5+ months since I took my first shot of T.

I’ve settled in quite nicely here in Vancouver since arriving in September. The most significant thing (besides finding a semi-permanent home and steady work) that has happened is finding a trans-friendly doctor to keep track of all the goings on when going from Tara to Carver, from Her t0 a closer version of Him.

When I first got here, I got a lot of good advice to look into Three Bridges as a jumping point for getting hooked up with the right people. It can be nerve wracking to see a new physician just in general but then add the fact that I am so new on this journey that I didn’t even know where to start and needed to have my T levels checked (cause you know I wanted to up that dosage something awful). They were pretty awesome. That first initial sit down with the nurse led me to getting on the wait list for a physician that just opened up their patient log for trans* identified persons (hey that’s me!)

That led me to Dr Ziedler and the South Hill Health Center.

You guys…a doctor that specializes in working with Trans* patients!!!!

How fucking awesome is that?

It took me well over a year in Halifax just to sit down with someone to talk about going on T and another year before I was even given the RX for T and here I am in Vancouver less than 3 months and already sat down with Dr. Z twice. *slow clap* Vancouver *slow clap*

Remember that time I decided to up the dose to .4ml because I thought it was lame I had been on .25 ml for a while and most of the people I know on T said they were at .5ml pretty quickly after starting? Then remember that time Dr. Z discovered that because I was on the lesser used (more expensive…thank you supplemental insurance) kind of T, my dose is twice as strong so the .25ml is equal to the .5ml most transguys use? So essentially for the last 5 weeks I was taking .8ml of T in a 4ml dose…Ha! Good times my friends, good times indeed.

After 5 weeks I had my levels checked and the T levels are through. the. roof. Normal range for Transguys is around 28nmol/L…mine? 34nmol/L. Yep, time to pull back on the reigns a bit and lower that dosage down to .3ml

I’m okay with the lowering of the dosage. I don’t know if upping it caused a jump in masculine features but there were some noticeable differences between month 3 and month 5. The first one being facial hair. I’m still not hating it, though right now it’s fairly minimal. I pluck the hairs while I’m driving to pass the long commutes and shave once a week (to be honest I probably could get a way with shaving twice a week at this point). It’s not a lot but way more than I’m used too and people can see the whiskers when standing a little farther away than before.

The big change for me is my voice…

I’ve waited so long for that drop and boy did it ever. I go between sounding quite throaty in my speech to cracking like a boy going through the height of puberty. It’s changed so much so that I’ve become quite shy and super self-conscious about speaking in public. As soon as I start to speak, I have a thought process that goes a little like the following:

Whoa, is that my voice? I kind of like it. Man I can feel the vibrations in my throat. It’s like my voice is vibrating my entire head. Is this normal? Fuck, it’s too deep. It doesn’t match my outward appearance. Why are you still she-ing me if my voice is much deeper than what is a typical female sounding voice? I’m not doing enough. Wait a minute, I’m doing plenty. Stop talking. Did it just crack? My laugh sounds terrible. Maybe they think I’m sick or have a cold? 

Play that tape over and over and eventually having day to day conversations with people can get tiresome. Being an interpreter presents it’s own challenges and I find myself handing off any long stretches of “voicing” over to colleagues.

I’m not even sure if I like my voice right now. Funny how I miss the sound of my previous voice even though I was super self conscious of it for as long as I can remember. When you live with something for 46 years, letting it go (even when it’s the right decision) can be tough. It’s only really been the last 6 weeks that I’ve become super conscious of the changes so of course I need time to adjust. Mimi and I made a birthday video for our nephew this week and hearing my voice from that outside perspective while watching the video gave way to a “that voice and that body” don’t line up quite right.

Mimi and I have had more than a few conversations about emotional changes as well. I’ll be the first to admit that my reaction time to things is shorter. My patience towards her and other events in our life has changed (hopefully temporarily) and at times I’ve felt pretty crappy as a husband, a spouse, a life-partner. I don’t know if it’s out of frustration for how the world is having a slower time catching up to my gender pronouns (because the body is slow to catch up and well they just aren’t paying attention), or my self consciousness of the changes that have happened and continue to happen or if its because of the higher dosage that last 5 weeks…

I’ve been kind of a jerk and that’s not cool.

Like way not cool.

I take a lot of pride in caring for my wife. Wanting her to feel important and loved and needed and in general to feel like a kick ass cool person to be around. I’ve not done a very good job of putting her feelings in the forefront and hopefully putting this out there in the world to see will help me get back to a place of caring for her in the way she deserves.

My next appointment with Dr. Z is in 5 weeks. That’s when we officially begin the next step of this journey and start prepping for top surgery. The wait is long (over a year) but maybe the universe will intervene and speed things up a little. I can always pay for it out of pocket (8k – 10k) and do it sooner but for now I’m okay with the waiting it out process.

Until next time…

upping the dose…

When I was blogging about weight loss, it wasn’t uncommon for me to blog on a daily basis. Logging food and exercise. Talking about the emotional ups and downs of trying lose weight. Just putting shit down because so much was happening all the time it was easier to leave it all “Here” rather than carry it around out “There”.

There was countless information out there that I was always trying to gather: new recipes to try out, new tips on weight loss to examine and just looking for a community of people that were doing exactly the same thing I was and either struggling at it or kicking the ever living ass out of it and either way I wanted to know their story.

When I started this blog about transitioning to the more gender congruent identity, I thought it would be the same. I’d blog regularly about the changes happening, I’d talk about the emotional ups and downs and find a shit ton of information out there in the trans* world and find that community of people I was so desperately looking for.

It’s been 11 months since I started this blog and just over 4 months since starting T and there have been a collective eleven posts made. That’s not a whole lot of action if you ask me. Unfortunately the “system” is mostly to blame since there was more than a person should have to endure of the “hurry up and wait” method of giving care.

Also I find myself a person of much fewer words these days according to Mimi. I was never big on talking in the first place (a male trait I was born with possibly, but hard to know when you also factor in Aspergers and a dysfunctional upbringing of “we don’t talk about things”) but it seems I’ve gone from saying very little in person (cause you know I can blather on in a blog post) to saying practically nothing when having any kind of discussion. This isn’t a bad thing as we are both discovering, just something to be aware of when we do attempt any sort of “you and me in this moment right now”

I think another reason I’m not blogging much about the changes is because I’m not as aware of them externally. On more than a few occasions I’ve had people see me after not seeing me for a bit of time and say “whoa, you look ( and/or sound) different”. I’m not going to lie here; I feel like I’m missing something. I mean I hear the audible changes in my voice but that’s about it. Granted my facial hair in the last couple of weeks has started coming in a little faster and are doubling and tripling in number pretty quickly (enough so that I’m shaving at *least* once a week and within 24 hours those whiskers that were just shaved are noticeable) but other than that I’m not taken aback by any changes.

Mimi says I stink more…

Okay that might be one change I have noticed and sometimes I’m having to reapply my deodorant during the day to keep the stink monster at bay.

Oh and I’m snoring more but I’m asleep and don’t notice it (sorry Mimi).

The point here is this shit is slow.

I’m okay with that. Some days I feel like I would like to wake up and not have to worry about whether someone’s going to she/lady me…okay wait a minute, let me rephrase that: Everyday I wake up and worry about it but right now I feel like I can shrug it off more because for whatever reason, they don’t see me the way I see myself and that’s not for me to take on. I’m more brave about correcting people (in fact I did it today to someone giving a lecture in a class when they referred to me as she when talking to a class about working with an interpreter) because for fuck sake I’m standing in front of the class in slacks, a button down, suspenders, some kick ass socks and a pocket square…HELLO!!!!!

Sometimes you get she’d and you can’t figure out why and that’s okay. I don’t need to try harder to make them SEE me. Sometimes I get called buddy with a firm hand shake and that makes me feel like a million bucks because I’m not doing anything different in either of those situations. Some people get it. Some people don’t. I will correct when I feel like (or let my wife do it in that ever so sly way she knows how) and I will let it slide when I feel like it.

In other “what’s happening in Carver’s world” news; I’ve finally sat down with my new family doctor here in Vancouver. I like them. I’ve been fortunate when it comes to putting together a good support system during this transition. Right now I feel like that support of medical professionals is falling into place. This doctor focuses on trans health (and the family members of trans patients) and basically knows the ins and outs of getting whatever resources I might be interested in. We talked about dosage and come to find out what I thought was a low dose to begin with was in fact NOT. While I appreciate the help to get started I got in Halifax, I feel like certain information should have been shared when it wasn’t (just general knowledge stuff). I’ve been thinking this whole time my dosage was lower than most because it was half the amount that most trans* people’s prescription. But what I found out today is that the type of T I’m using is twice as strong in levels than the more commonly prescribed T. So when someone say’s “I’m taking .5cc of T” and I say “Oh I’m only taking .25cc” I’m actually taking the same dosage. What this means is that three weeks ago when I doubled my dosage because there was an assumption that I was taking the most common prescribed T and was now on par with most trans* people on a HRT (hormone replacement therapy) regiman, may actually be too much.

(insert grumbly face here)

My new doctor has said at this point to just continue with the .4 dosage (which is equivalent to a .8 dosage with the other type of T) for a few more weeks until its time for blood work and we can adjust from there. This kind of information is important to tell people when they are starting an HRT regimen. I’ve had more than my fair share of other trans* people comment on how low that dosage was but they were comparing it to their own regimen and I didn’t know any better.

Note to any other trans* people reading this that are starting out…know what kind of T you’re using and why your dosage is the way it is!!!

As a household we’ve started to reign in our food choices as much as possible. Finally settling in to our new place and no long term travel plans in the immediate future means we can get back to creating in the kitchen instead of looking at a menu. I got weighed in today and wouldn’t you know it…205lbs. Whether that’s travel related or T related, it’s a little more than I was anticipating so I need to wrap my brain around that for a bit then make some changes. I’ve downloaded the C25K running program and am ready to get back to running even if it makes me cranky as fuck right now. It’s humbling going from being a marathoner to being out of breath after running for 60 seconds but you have to take that first step, even if it’s a baby step.

Baby whiskers….

Baby runner…

Baby boy…

Everything has a beginning.

Am I trans enough?….

I know it’s not week 5 of Transformation “T”uesdays but next week I go back to what is my last hurrah of work here in Halifax Nova Scotia before packing everything up into our Trusty Dusty and head out west in just a few weeks. I wanted to make sure I had the time and space to make a blog post and next week just may not have either.

On the “are there any noticeable changes” front I’m still going with an resounding no.

I’m not sure what I’m expecting and whether or not I’ll even recognize those “noticeable” changes so I’m relying on the side by side shots to help me see something…

Emotionally I don’t feel much different except (and this could just be my imagination) I’m having a harder time crying. As silly as this sounds I can usually open up the water shed at a cute puppy or a heart wrenching story about a kid who loses 100 pounds before their high school prom but this week no matter how hard I try (and I’ve been trying) it just hasn’t been happening.

Well wait, that’s not true. I did cry during an anxiety attack but I was pretty worked up by the time the tears started falling. I know this probably all sounds (or reads) a little silly but for me it’s kind of a big deal. There was a particular thought process happening and it went something like this:

My emotions: Hey, shouldn’t you be crying right now? This is some heavy stuff you’re watching and your heart can feel the pull…why aren’t there any tears? This is not like you.

My brain: uhhhhhh nope. Not gonna happen right now.

My heart: Hey now. This is new. I mean I can feel the signal to let them go but what the fuck? I mean hello, they are right there ready to go.

My tears: Yep, we’re ready to go.

My emotions: Wait now. This might be it. We are amped up. Yes. Yes. I think this is it…

My heart: Yes. This is it.

My tears: Here we g……huh. Oh……sooooooo, we’re not going?

My brain: Nope! 

I’ve noticed that a few times this week. This process of feeling something close to crying and then falling short. Not wanting to cry because for me right now it makes me feel physically (and emotionally) too much like a girl. I don’t ever remember thinking this way before, and if any one loves a good ugly cry it’s this guy.

Something I’ve been struggling with since the very beginning of this journey, is this self-proclaimed notion of not being trans enough and in a way I think the idea of not crying makes me feel more “manly”. Less feminine (though I don’t know where the fuck you would find anything even remotely feminine on or about me). Every day I am misgendered and while I know it’s not about “them” being douchey douchey bags and just about seeing what they see at first glance, I’m often questioning my ability to “pass” as male rather than female.

I don’t know what it is about me. I mean seriously. No tits (thanks to my g2cb binders). Sick AF hair cut. Shirts pressed, Slacks creased. Bow tie and Suspenders on point and yet….

“can I help you ma’am”

“what can I get for you ladies”

“she said (insert something I just said)”

I’ve only really advocated for myself a few times after spending days being she’d/lady’d/ma’am’d/her’d and at a breaking point of wanting to grab the someone and shake them by the shoulders screaming “TELL ME WHAT IT IS ABOUT ME THAT IS CAUSING YOU TO MISGENDER ME SO I CAN CHANGE IT IMMEDIATELY”

Seriously it is like a kick to the non-existent balls to have the majority of the world see me like this:

When I see myself like this:

I don’t dress the way I do because I’m dyke. I don’t hold the door open for my wife or take the check because I’m a lesbian with heterosexual role tendencies. I don’t give advice to young men about bringing flowers on a first date or making sure they remember to sit after their date takes their seat and always let them order first because I’m really just a stone cold butch…

I do it because inside I am a man and try as hard as I might, something about me on the outside makes that hard for the rest of the world understand.

It’s like being with your husband/boyfriend/father and they get called a lady. The thought would be outrageous for most people and every single day that happens to me and those that have to share this life with me.

Even around “my people” I’m afraid I’m not trans enough to pass. It’s why I do most of my stalking of other trans-identified people online and usually on the outskirts. I look at their before/during/after pictures and I think “when is that going to happen for me”? Clearly they are passing. When will I pass? I’m afraid to talk with those that will understand or share lived experiences because I spend my whole existence being placed in the “female” box and since I don’t pass with the rest of the world how can I expect to pass within the trans community?

It can be really frustrating. I’m afraid to be around other trans men because I don’t want them to she me. I’m afraid to be around other trans men because I don’t know if I want what they have and yet I know I don’t want what I have right now. I’m afraid to be around other trans men because I still like to wear my unicorn slippers and shave my legs every once in a blue moon.

I mean seriously, who doesn’t love unicorns?

I feel like I’m in limbo right now on so many levels. With my body. With testosterone. With moving. My brain is computing everything around me as chaos and upheaval. But in reality life is just taking baby steps to get anywhere.

So that’s where I am this week. Shot number 3 happens next Tuesday and I’m now on the look out for chest hairs (NO!) and rogue whiskers that need to be plucked…

~Carver

 

 

Transformation “T”uesday Week Three

Shot number 2 is done and done.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wanted this post to be about. Did I want to talk about my first experience in letting my rogue non T whiskers grow beyond the usual length and finding my first salt and pepper whisker? Or that instead of the usual 4 rogue whiskers that normally grow I’ve actually counted 7 as of this morning and trying not to say “OMG, the T is already making changes”

Then I got up this morning and realized I wanted to talk about the actual process of administering the shot.

This is my wife’s first attempt at administering what for now is an every two-week regimen. I think she was super nervous (the full video of it can be seen on my facebook page or on my Instagram page) but she did great. And lucky for both of us I already come with a vast knowledge of giving T shots.

I come to this journey with a unique set of experiences that I don’t think most trans people experience and sometimes that can be a blessing and curse (and sometimes those blessings/curses happen at the exact same time in the exact same experience).

Before meeting my beautiful wife I was in a long term relationship in which my partner disclosed their trans identity 8 years into our relationship. Some day I’ll sit down and tell you about how every single person I’ve dated ended up on the trans spectrum (either as FtM or trans masculine or trans identified queer) and so the idea of then partner coming out as trans was no real surprise and in fact I often wondered why it took so long into our relationship for it to surface.

It wasn’t long after this revelation of sorts that we began the process of finding the right path for M. Therapists that could sign off on gender reassignment paperwork, necessary surgeries and of course the much anticipated Rx for T. Appointment after appointment to prove what was already proven, but knowing the hoops had to be jumped through no matter how mundane they were.

The day the first T shot was to be administered I didn’t make any assumptions about whether I was going to be an active participant. I was in the room, I was there just to watch until M said “pay attention, cause you get to do these every week”…

I didn’t really need to pay much attention since I am a retired body piercer so I know my way around needles and gauges and all that fun stuff. I watched once and then from there on out I was the sole administrator of his T. I was in an amazing position. Here he was asking me to be an intimate part of this process. Not just an onlooker but part of the team.  Of course I was watching all the changes take place but those changes were taking place because of something I was doing. I felt I was being brought into the inner circle of those changes when many times the only person in that core inner circle is the person physically experiencing those changes.

There was no question in my mind that Mimi would be brought into that core experience with me. Can I administer my own shots? Of course. The nurse at the Clinic was under the assumption that I’d be in every two weeks for them to give me the shot but I made it clear that they were just going through the motions to show Mimi because after the first one we are doing it at home. Even Mimi was apprehensive about it…

“Are you sure you want me to do this?”

Yep.

I don’t want Mimi to feel like she has to sit on the sidelines and watch the changes. I want her to be a part of the process. I want her to know that every time something changes in me, it’s because she’s helping me get there. So this morning I drew up the shot, and she gave it. It was adorable, and loving, and funny as hell.

Nothing really noticeable seems to changed over the last two weeks except those rogue whiskers I mentioned earlier. They’ve been around for a while. Long before I was even in the process of getting approved for T. I chalked it up to old age and ya know, whiskers happen. I pluck them pretty regularly but this week I noticed they were growing in much faster and instead of the usual 4 there were a few more…

Also, because I’m starting this whole process a little later in life than I think most people, some of those whiskers are already coming in salt and pepper. That’s right, my puberty happens with silver fox “beard” to go with the silver fox hair on the top of my noggin. I’m still very much on the fence about the notion of facial hair. Some days I think I might like to explore that and others I’m definitely a hell effing no on the whole thing.

The one thing I have noticed and I heard about this from other trans / trans masculine people is that I am feeling a little more clear headed today. Slightly more confident (which helped in my job interview just this morning) and have made a few decisions more quickly than I might have even just two weeks ago.

So there ya go!

~Carver